Wednesday, March 4, 2015

How to train your boyfriend

(Dedicated to all my Facebook friends, who keep posting there marriage pics day and night. Like seriously.. You guys make the candy crush fanatics seem like cute.. Err..umm.. Tufts of cotton candy or something.)

The matter has been pondered over for thousands of years by philosophers. Most of them couldn't reach anywhere remarkable because they soon got married and never got the time to ponder philosophically over anything again. Ever.

My dear friend Professor Billieus Newtonsteinius ( more commonly known as uncle bill before he changed his name according to the binomial nomenclature) pondered very very philosophically over rolls and rolls of parchment written by geniuses of all kinds. Everybody was of the general opinion that as a dog is a man's best friend, it would be great if somebody applied the time tested principles of taming a dog for the study of taming a man. He spent hours reading from the book The Pan Galactic Guide to Dogs, Wolves and other Delicacies by his good friend Dr. Sago Mud Salad. But then he finally threw it out his window once he discovered that it was actually a book on how to cook dogs rather than train them. (i know, i know... Goddamned Chinese! ) After interviewing our very own Spacewoman SveeTee he came up with a system of his own. In his own words.. "it might not be perfect yet, and we are still trying to smooth out some errr.. Shortcomings, like how do you make it put the toilet seat down after every use. Suggestions are always welcome.

1: let's just assume that you have gotten over your phase of suitable-dog-searchingness and general-disappointedness. Congratulations! for now you have a suitable dog which is not likely to easily disappoint you (or at least your family thinks so) . It might be somebody whom you bought  from a shop or could be it just followed you home one day inspite of all the shooing and hurrr-ing. The training thus begins...

2: Young pups are distracted easily. An empty mind is devil's workshop. Never ever let your guys mind rest. Ever. Ever ! When he looks distracted throw random questions at him to keep him busy like, "do i look fat?". Trust me.. Geniuses have failed at that one.

3: You gotta walk that damn mutt everyday, similarly your guy needs exercise to stay fit. We initiate him gradually by making him walk up and down the sidewalk while you hold yourself back from reaching anywhere on time. Once he warms up, take him to more advanced exercises like carrying 14 shopping bags from 42 different shops. It has added health benefits of leaving him broke at the end of the day so that he couldn't even think about having a few beers with other idiots.

4: You keep brushing your dogs hair to keep the ticks off. Ladies... The lesson is clear here. Throw away all his favorite jackets. Dress him in the most idiotic things you can imagine. If he resists, tell him it's more 'mature' or that he looks 'cute' this way. Go crazy on this step. Keep it up until you are not sure it's the same guy you used to like. This should keep other chicks away. And there is more money left for shopping.

5: Bad behavior is always to be discouraged. Whenever he starts ignoring you or shows signs of general disobedience, it's time to take out the heavy artillery.  Make sure to remind him how your ex was sooo much better at stuff. If that doesn't work, post ambiguous looking cute and romantic messages on fb indicating that you have just now discovered the true love of your life and how you are ready to move on to better things. If asked about its meaning, just tell him that you copied it from somewhere (which you most probably did) there's no need to feel 'insecure'.

I would have loved to write more, but professor is standing over my shoulders and looking with disapproval. Before it dawns over him that I'm giving away his million dollar idea for free i think i should run. I have to take somebody shopping and with any luck have a few beers with the guys later. (that is if I'm not broke by evening) Cya!