Monday, May 25, 2015

The curious case of biting ducks: The return of Sherlock Holmes

Hey there fellas! Sherlock here. A lot has changed since last time i talked to you. Watson is on his way to raise a happily boring family with two kids and a perfectly normal wife. Normal is another word for average which is another word for boring. You know me. I can do anything but boring. Meanwhile i met this perfectly crazy girl on tinder. Let's call her Miss Adler. Apart from that i have taken palmistry as a hobby. Don't get me started on the amount of deductions you can get from somebody's hands. And yes, all the hot chicks give you their hand for 'inspection' in a breeze.

So today out of the blue Irene decided that we don't spend much time together. We had a jovial and friendly discussion over how we need to go to fancy restaurants more frequently at least on special occasions (and no irene i repeat myself: Sunday does not count as special occasion). Later a little less friendly one over how I'm a cheapskate. Finally we decided to go to the lakeside.

Lots of ducks ehh. Curious creatures. Absolutely fascinating. I almost forgot Irene at the ice cream stand coz i was busy taking pictures of ducks. She kept insisting on eating as much ice cream as she wanted coz it was her 'special day'. Whatever that means.. ( and I'm seriously concerned about those calories Irene, you really need to watch your eating habits.. If you know what i mean) Amazing little birds. Look at their eyes and you have that creepy feeling that they are trying to form an opinion about you. It's very hard to be prodded  by random strangers day and night and not form an opinion about them. I was trying to solve the mysteries of their curious little brains. I thought maybe i should put my palmistry skills to good use. You know. Like read a ducks palm. They deserve to know if they are going to get a hearty meal today or not.

Irene kept bugging me. She can be a handful at times.  'Don't do this.' 'Don't do that.' 'Don't go in the lake.' 'don't stand on my toes you moron'.  You get the general idea. I think i was distracted that's why it happened. I was urging this totally harmless looking duck to let me see its palm when it reached out and bit my finger. Horrible little beasts.

We soon found ourselves waiting to get a tetanus shot and possibly a little bandaging. Even the solemn surroundings of a hospital would not calm down the attention seeking impulses of the female brain. I was trying to figure out the mystery of the biting ducks and she was droning on and on about how she was born in this very hospital exactly 26 years back. Whatever.

Sherlock: hmm.. I wonder why..

Irene: i wonder why do i even go out with somebody as forgetful as you

Sherlock: yeah that. And it showed no signs of abnormally aggressive behavior beforehand.

Irene: yeah you bet. Neither am i.

Sherlock: perhaps it was angry at my incursion in its territory.

Irene: i guess it's that stupid pink shirt you always insist on wearing when going out.

Sherlock:  oh no. That's my lucky shirt. Reminds me of Watson.

Irene: perhaps you forgot her birthday too

Sherlock: nonsense. I never forget anything i have a photographic memory. I got it.. I had stains of ice cream on my hand which it picked up owing to its acute sense of smell. And my finger appeared like a sweet little piece of vanilla to it. Case solved ! Irene!  Irene?

She was nowhere to be found. And she is not picking up her phone either. Watson was very good at this stuff. The childish observations that arose from his tiny brain always helped me think in a fresh perspective. I wish i could find a substitute for him soon. After i finish writing this I'm going to call him to discuss the curious case of biting ducks. See ya around folks!



PS: just got off the phone with Watson. He is of the opinion that i should check my calendar for i seem to have forgotten some essential date or something. If anybody has any clue it would be very helpful. Looking forward to solving the ever growing complexities of the female mind.


Saturday, May 23, 2015

You would'nt believe what those nigerian hackers are upto these days !

This one really takes the rank 1 out of all the online scamsters. I full-heartedly applaud the author for writing such an unconventional and innovative piece of art, in a society that is almost entirely fuelled by repackaging old stuff in new packets. Take a look..

*************************************************************************************************
WORLD BANK AUDITORS/INTERNATIONAL MONETARY
FUNDS (IMF)
Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.Republic Of Benin

                                            Attention:Clents,

WORLD BANK AUDITORS/INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUNDS (IMF)has meeting with the Government of Benin Republic,Ghana,Nigeria and Burkinafaso as we received a report of scam against you and other British/US citizens and Maylaysia,Etc.

The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkinafaso And Ghana have recompensed you following the meeting held with the Four countries' Government and various countries' high commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the Four countries' Citizens.
Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU). A compensation has been issued out in ATM CASH CARD to all the affected victims and has been already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your draft was among those that was reported undelivered as at on Friday and we wish to
advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your ATM CASH CARD immediately.
According to the number of applicants at hand, 184 Beneficiaries has been paid, half of the victims are from the United States,we still have more 37 left to be paid the compensations of(US$1.5million USDOLLAR) each.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested as one of their victims of the operations,you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason whatsoever as the U.S. secret service is already on trace of the other criminals.
So keep it secret till they are all apprehended.other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

NFIU further told us that the use of Nigeria and Ghana Couriers was abolished due to interception activities noticed in the above mentioned courier services in Nigeria and Ghana and thereby have made a concrete arrangement with the DHL Courier Company in BENIN REPUBLIC for a safe delivery to your door-step once the beneficiary meets up the demand of the conveyance.
We advise that you do the needful to make sure the NFIU dispatches your ATM CASH CARD on Friday.

are assured of the safety of your draft and availability. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you. Get back to us immediately to check if the delivery date suits you.fill the information below and forward it to our office for quick process.

YOUR FULL NAME..............
YOUR COUNTRY...............
YOUR CITY.............................
YOUR HOME ADDRESS..................
YOUR CURRENT TELEPHONE NUMBER...................
KINDLY CONTACT OUR OFFICE WITH THIS INFORMATION BELOW
EMAIL( worldba_auditorr@w.cn  )
Telephone.....+229 97988072

Call as soon as you receive this message
Yours in Service,
DR.RICHARD OGA
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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

How to train your boyfriend

(Dedicated to all my Facebook friends, who keep posting there marriage pics day and night. Like seriously.. You guys make the candy crush fanatics seem like cute.. Err..umm.. Tufts of cotton candy or something.)

The matter has been pondered over for thousands of years by philosophers. Most of them couldn't reach anywhere remarkable because they soon got married and never got the time to ponder philosophically over anything again. Ever.

My dear friend Professor Billieus Newtonsteinius ( more commonly known as uncle bill before he changed his name according to the binomial nomenclature) pondered very very philosophically over rolls and rolls of parchment written by geniuses of all kinds. Everybody was of the general opinion that as a dog is a man's best friend, it would be great if somebody applied the time tested principles of taming a dog for the study of taming a man. He spent hours reading from the book The Pan Galactic Guide to Dogs, Wolves and other Delicacies by his good friend Dr. Sago Mud Salad. But then he finally threw it out his window once he discovered that it was actually a book on how to cook dogs rather than train them. (i know, i know... Goddamned Chinese! ) After interviewing our very own Spacewoman SveeTee he came up with a system of his own. In his own words.. "it might not be perfect yet, and we are still trying to smooth out some errr.. Shortcomings, like how do you make it put the toilet seat down after every use. Suggestions are always welcome.

1: let's just assume that you have gotten over your phase of suitable-dog-searchingness and general-disappointedness. Congratulations! for now you have a suitable dog which is not likely to easily disappoint you (or at least your family thinks so) . It might be somebody whom you bought  from a shop or could be it just followed you home one day inspite of all the shooing and hurrr-ing. The training thus begins...

2: Young pups are distracted easily. An empty mind is devil's workshop. Never ever let your guys mind rest. Ever. Ever ! When he looks distracted throw random questions at him to keep him busy like, "do i look fat?". Trust me.. Geniuses have failed at that one.

3: You gotta walk that damn mutt everyday, similarly your guy needs exercise to stay fit. We initiate him gradually by making him walk up and down the sidewalk while you hold yourself back from reaching anywhere on time. Once he warms up, take him to more advanced exercises like carrying 14 shopping bags from 42 different shops. It has added health benefits of leaving him broke at the end of the day so that he couldn't even think about having a few beers with other idiots.

4: You keep brushing your dogs hair to keep the ticks off. Ladies... The lesson is clear here. Throw away all his favorite jackets. Dress him in the most idiotic things you can imagine. If he resists, tell him it's more 'mature' or that he looks 'cute' this way. Go crazy on this step. Keep it up until you are not sure it's the same guy you used to like. This should keep other chicks away. And there is more money left for shopping.

5: Bad behavior is always to be discouraged. Whenever he starts ignoring you or shows signs of general disobedience, it's time to take out the heavy artillery.  Make sure to remind him how your ex was sooo much better at stuff. If that doesn't work, post ambiguous looking cute and romantic messages on fb indicating that you have just now discovered the true love of your life and how you are ready to move on to better things. If asked about its meaning, just tell him that you copied it from somewhere (which you most probably did)....so there's no need to feel 'insecure'.

I would have loved to write more, but professor is standing over my shoulders and looking with disapproval. Before it dawns over him that I'm giving away his million dollar idea for free i think i should run. I have to take somebody shopping and with any luck have a few beers with the guys later. (that is if I'm not broke by evening) Cya!