Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Anger Manegement and all the crap about it...

We now continue the 'tail' of our beloved Caveman Cruddy two years after his marriage with Spacewoman SveeT. To read how it all started, click here...

I guess, you know Cruddy very well by now. He was a cute little man with a long beard and a short vocabulary. But, this much of cuteness was probably not enough for his wife SveeT  who took him to an Anger Management Workshop for a small brawl that happened like this..

CavemanCruddy: Aaaarghh !! The world is end today ! Cruddy's hunting knife ran away somewhere.

SpacewomanSveeT: You hell of a man. Your knife was dirty. I cleaned it with Dettol. It is now drying in the sun outside. Will you please mind keeping the cave hygeinic ? What do you think the kids are going to learn from it ??

Cruddy: That my good knife ! You hide it ? Next time, keep back it where at it right place is !

SveeT: And will you please mind telling me where is it's right place you bastard ? It was lying in a corner of the cave. I thought you had thrown it away, but then your favourite dirty underwear was lying right beneath it, so i came to know that you had not thrown it anyways.

Cruddy: That is right place. That is personal corner. Never touch corner again. Cruddy get confused when his stuff you hide away.

SveeT: How dare you give order me aound in such rude language ?? I think it's time for some counselling. I would have sent you to a shrink, but tommorow a hotshot speaker is visiting from saturn. And you ARE going to attend his anger management speech.. UNDERSTOOD ?

Cruddy: Uhh..umm..

SveeT: Good ! I take that as a yes..

So our hero appears next day at the seminar hall in his best suit. Yeah right, the one which he wore to work everyday. The hall was already full of the right kind of crowd, yeah you know local starlets and politicians, all eagerly waiting to pounce upon the opportunity to prove how intell-actual they happen to be. And then...

(spotlight turns on.. a man in a dark suit comes running from the back to the podium on the stage, doing some weird sort of saturn dance as far as we know ...the crowd goes mad with applause)

Mr.Saintson: Hellooooo my dear brothers and their sisters !

(huge applause from the public)

Mr.Saintson: Today when I look upon humanity, I see people burning in the fires of hell. I know people i know, your life has become a burden on you. You need help. Everybody needs help. And that is why I am here for. I am the person you are going to remember as your sole friend for the rest of your lives..

(another round of applause)

Mr.Saintson: And just for the benefit of needy souls like you (which includes in my opinion almost everyone) ..a super life changing formula ..the discovery of the century ..the megaselling hotshot product which has changed the lives of millions ..I present to you THE FORGET-STRESS-QUICK-AND-EASY-MEGA-SUPER-BOOK !!!

(the crowd goes wild with excitement)

Mr.Saintson: It is a life rennovating idea which has been under research from our soon-to-be-nobel-prize winner scientists for almost 10 years. And the success story does not ends here ! We are soon going to announce a High Definition (HD) version of it too !!

Caveman Buddy: Yay Cruddy bro. U see that ? They are going to write that book in HD !! Can anyone beat that quality ?

Caveman Cruddy: Errr...

Mr.Saintson: ..and the people who buy our super-combo-pack will get a pack of my life-changing-space-tech-get-slim-chocolate free !!!

(a fat lady in the front row faints)

Mr.Saintson: And now i will show you a LIVE, here-in-your-face demonstration of my ANCIENT and TIME TESTED BRAND NEW FOMULA right now !! YES you heard it ! I will teach some of my tricks to you here and now ! And not only this... the people present here will get a special discount for my next show also !!!

(crowd starts jumping up and down like chick-peas in a frying pan)

Mr.Saintson: So, for my first live demonstration I am going to pick up one of you as a volunteer... (pager rings) ..ahh, here is a messeage from the adorable madame spacewoman SveeT who says her evil husband must be hiding right in the crowd somewhere. ..(pager rings again) ...and she also says ..ummm he must be sitting behind a leggy blonde somewhere, because that's where she usually finds him whenever he gets lost in the jogger park.

....err you mister, yes yes it's you ! You are the well known mister Cruddy, right ?

Cruddy: F*** ! That woman kill me someday. It so embarrasing. I hate everyone !

Saintson: Now see. Our info had been right after all. You do need a bit of anger management right now mister Cruddy. Take a deep breath and count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6..

Cruddy: You Sainty ! You no even know straight counting. You go school again I say !

Saintson: Well well, I must say it is these kind of negative views about life that is the reason for your unhappiness Mr. Cruddy. You need to learn about positive thinking.... And for this ladies and gentlemen our company will soon be launching a new package..

Cruddy: Errrr.. positive what ??

Mr.Saintson: Positive thinking ! You must be glad to know.... that..

Cruddy: Hussshhh.. After Caveman Muddy got HIV positive, Cruddy no touch nothing positive. You a dangerous man. Cruddy says time to go now..

Mr.Saintson: You see Mr. Cruddy. You have insulted me so much already. But did I even get a little angry at you ? NO, ladies and gentlemen NO !! And I remind you again.. you can now order our products even from the phone. Just Dial..

Cruddy: Be dangered Brother and Sister. This man a big liar it is. Cruddy waste no more money. Go home allbody. This is just a fool man !

Mr.Saintson: What the HELL ! I spend all my day running around, dressed like an idiot ... FOR THIS ?? I dont even get to eat my food on time. I am so busy copying old writer's ideas that I have not met my family for an year. Sometimes i sleep in the passenger seat of my limo, trying to make a living. Putting up a fuckin show everyday, whether it is day or night. I have sold out all my peace, my life, my family for this day ? For fools like you Bloody Cruddy ! Just get the hell out of here before i kill either you or myself !!!

Cruddy jolts around with a look of panic in his eyes. He walked upto the stairs, but then comes to a halt and turns..

Cruddy: Take a deep breath ! Count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7....

Monday, September 20, 2010

What a medical teacher takes years to learn...

PG resident: Ok boy, now you tell me " What is Wohlfart-Kugelberg-Welander syndrome ? "

Mack: Sir it is a very rare disorder characterized by ...xxxxx

PG resident: Excellent ! You will be a nice dctor one day..

Assistant Professor: Tell me the new advancements in the field of malaria diagnosis.

Mack: Uhh, sir it is diagnosed mainly by microscopic observation.

Assistant Professor: That's nice to hear, but you should actually keep your eyes open for the latest research also.

Professor: Tell me the importance of taking pulse and what can you diagnose from it ?

Mack: Sir pulse... pulse is the.. the feeling of heart beat in the extremities of..

Professor: It's high time that you start reading your textbooks son. You will never succeed till you make it a habit.

Dean: What do you understand by fever ?

Mack: Uhh, sir raised body temperature..

Dean: Even the cleaning staff outside my office can tell me that. Next time i want something that a real medical student should know.

Commandant: Aaj tak injection diya h kabhi ? (have you ever given an injection before?)

Mack:........err, well. .. .sir..

Commandant: Not your fault dear. I will ask your professor to arrange one practical lecture on giving injections soon..

p.s.  this post was inspired by our great commandant who was stalking everyone outside the clinics today, asking "aaj tak kabhi injection diya h tumne ?"

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

When do you know your doctor is making a fool of you ?

This one happened during my surgery rotation. A major (read: PG resident, as ours is a military college) sent a patient for testing blood sugar after the OPD consultation. She came back with the report after half an hour…

Mrs.Fatlady: Doctor saab, here is the report. Please tell me if something is serious.

Maj.Clinicwala: Dont worry aunty, your report is all normal.

MrsFatlady: So?

Maj.Clinicwala: So, take the medicines i have written earlier and you will be fine.

MrsFatlady: I came from such a long distance and you say my report is fine ! You wasted my time and you knew nothing is wrong with me. You are a bad bad doctor.

Mack: Sir, just give her sugar pills.

MajClinicwala: You should be happy mam, you are all right.

MrsFatlady: But atleast give me something. I am standing for half an hour outside just to show this report. And you say i dont need medicine. I will never come to a free hospital again !

MajClinicwala: Just go away mam. You are wasting my time.

MrsFatlady: I will complaint to your professor ! You dont know anything about treatment. YOU ARE JUST A QUACK.

(and she sped down the corridor, screaming at the top of her lungs…)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Men from Mars, Women from Venus ! : How it all started ?

CruddyTailThis is a long ‘tail’ from long time ago. There used to be no tailless species of mammals on earth then. Suddenly one day, a venusian spaceship zapped across the evening sky. It’s long colourful body shone in the usual weird way that UFOs are supposed to behave even though it was thousands of years ago. It grazed past a dino munching on the topmost branches of a palm tree, and almost hit it in the ear. The ship stopped midair (Thank God, pileups were not so common those days !) and a pilot waved out from the window and yelled at the dino for standing right in the middle of nowhere. Leaving behind the dino with a stupid look in the eyes, it passed on and landed on the top of a pine tree after three hours of thoughtful calculations (though it toppled over the ground almost immediately). A beautiful looking pilot stepped out of the ship with careful steps (so as not to mess up her make-up). She wandered around for some time, admiring the new environment around her, and noting things very rapidly in her notebook when she first saw this mud coloured creature behind a rock staring at her with wide eyes. She walked up to the creature and said…

Spacewoman SveeT : Hello there earthling ! It’s an adoringly remarkable planet of yours. I am SveeT, Pilot of ‘Sugar : The Cutest intergalactic space voyager’ , and the president of ‘Spacewomen Knitting Association’. May i know your fine name sir ?

Caveman Cruddy: I no earthly ! I Cruddy, I come Mars. What you want ? I no time.

Spacewoman SveeT:  That’s a rude reply mister. You seem to be doing nothing to me. You were just sitting there and staring from behind a rock.

Caveman Cruddy: That is work. I go in cave, when work. No disturb me when i in cave !

Spacewoman SveeT: A hundred apologies gentleman. But, please tell me how do you came here, all the way from Mars ? I have heard gossip that Mars is a home for intelligent species called ‘Men’ , but no on has been able to find supportive evidence for this yet..

Caveman Cruddy: I wenting to Mars Moon, but i GPS forgot. I am the great Cruddy. I ask no direction.  I land on earth. Very peaceful here I say. Fruit on the top of tree, water in the lake. Cruddy very happy here.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh, such a sweet little person you are mister ! You are so philosophical. I totally agree with your views on  the earth’s heavenly surroundings.

Caveman Cruddy: You say Cruddy sweet ? Cruddy so happy. Let we be friends !

Spacewoman SveeT: Wow, you are so friendly and nice. What are your hobbies mister Cruddy ? I write poems… you can read them on my Facebook page.

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy love poem !! ‘like’ ‘like’ ‘like’… Cruddy will read all your poem ! Can we go, eat dinner on tree top now ?

Spacewoman SveeT: Ewwww ! Dinner on tree top. That’s a gross place to eat mr. Cruddy. Can we be seated somewhere else where the service is a little better ?

Caveman Cruddy: Eww … Ewww.. Ewwww ??? Cruddy not understood Ewwwwwww !

Spacewoman SveeT: Haaaan !! …that means your species has not discovered the most advanced words yet. I dont think you will understand even ‘Hmmm’, ‘Huh’ and ‘Duhh’ ??

Caveman Cruddy: Your alien language. Cruddy not know. Worry not. Cruddy got iPhone. With lots of dictionary in it !

Spacewoman SveeT: Woah ! You live in a cave, but you have an iPhone ?

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy no live without phorn… Umm.. Cruddy mean ‘phone’.

Spacewoman SveeT: Your race appears to be much more technologically and spiritually advanced than us mister. You people live with iPhones in caves. I am so sooo impressed mister Cruddy. You are so handsome.

Caveman Cruddy: You too so nice, mm.. mma. maddam SveeT ! Your eye nice, your nose nice, your finger nice, your.. your umm.. your pimples nice.

Spacewoman SveeT: How dare you ! People are beheaded on our planet for pointing out pimples !! You are surely not much civilised Cruddy boy ! But, worry not... I will start making vital changes in your routine activities and behaviour once our race settles on this planet. You will be so thankful to us one day for this.

Caveman Cruddy: Ummmm… Cruddy sssays sorry ! Cruddy no fault. Cruddy love SveeT.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh you are so innocent dear Cruddy !

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy innocent ! SveeT marry Cruddy ?????

Spacewoman SveeT: I will have to take permission from our senior species advisor in this aspect Mr. Cruddy. Please submit your application on the reception of my spaceship. You will probably be notified soon.

Caveman Cruddy: Yay ! Cruddy so so happy today.

It is believed that Cruddy got married happily to SveeT after that and thus began the new Human race. Some conspiracy theorists also believe that Cruddy hacked into the spaceship’s transmission system and changed the rejection letter from the SveeT’s senior advisor friend. The theory hasn’t been proved yet as all of these scientists were found dead later on under mysterious circumstances. We will continue the story after the marriage of Cruddy and SveeT in the later chapters of this book. Till then, GoodBye !

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Clinical History of a Facebook Addict….

This post is the one inspired from the thing we med students do most of the time in our hospital, that is taking the history of a patient.. :)

Patient Name: Coolguy287
Age: 24 yrs
Sex: Male
Residence: East street cyber cafe, Pune
Occupation: Student
Informant: His FB profile
Reliability: God knows

P/C (that means.. Presenting Complaints):
Acute attacks of logging into FB wherever and whenever possible X 6 months

HOPI (History of Presenting Illness):
My patient was apparently asymptomatic till 6 months back when he reported acute attacks of FB overuse which were insidious in onset and gradual in progression. They were characterized by episodes of long lasting chat sessions, which were generally relieved by the cafe owner requesting to shut down the shop. The episodes were of remitting and relapsing in nature, with intermediate lucid intervals in which he remembered to go home and have meals. He also gives history of certain associated symptoms, which are described in detail below.

The paroxysms of FB use started gradually over a period of 2 weeks when he found out his ex’s profile and sent her a ‘friend request’. It is suspected that the transmission of infection took place over this period of contact. The prodromal symptoms of ex’s contact subsided soon, after she posted a video of her new host male over her profile. Their was a short latent subclinical period after the initial manifestations.

Later he presented with spells of fever, with typical symptoms of Farmville infection. The patient reportedly had sleep apnoea and woke up in the middle of the night to cut his strawberry harvest which he was anxious about. He also reports an episode of urinary incontinence when he found out that his idiot friend has gained more points in 3 less days than him. The condition was reportedly self-limiting and the bout of this fever subsided in about 4 months, after which the patient has had only one relapse when he apparently received a golden hen from his friend. (note: The hen has been recovered and quarantined for further laboratory investigations.)

H/o (History Of) answering absurd surveys to gain FB credit +ve

H/o posting his farmville photos on his profile, with the intentions of making friends jealous +ve

H/o changing the profile pic frequently and reported to be attempts to attract opposite sex +ve

H/o going on a ‘like’ spree in which he would ‘like’ each and every status update his friends posted, in hope of getting back some stupid comments on his own status updates +ve

H/o subscribing to a santa and banta jokes site to find out new and interesting status updates which would be liked by girls

No h/o sending stupid items to friends found

No h/o begging for free pigs and dogs on the farmville forums found

Chronic Facebookalgia with acute exacerbations due to heart trauma, and brainstem involvement

Differential Diagnoses:

1.Hyperexaggerated form of Acute Orkutian Syndrome

2.Embolization of fat cells into brain, which he has accumulated over the long period of time sitting in front of his web-browser.

Investigations Advised:

 1.Hb, TLC, DLC (as usual)

2. Further investigations not required as the patient already came with reports from private laboratories which include: ‘Know your future from the crazy microbiologist’ , ‘How useless is your time ?’ and ‘What is the name of your craziness’

P.S. We have called Dr. House’s team at Princeton Plainsboro twice. He says that he needs to run further tests on the patient. For further reference he has sent us the email address of Dr.Foreman, but he constantly refused to give away the Gtalk id of Dr.Cameroon. (Screw him ! Our team thinks we should call Dr.Meredith Grey from Seattle instead !)

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