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How to write good answers in your exams... Caveman style !

Dear bored guys readers.. you already know Cruddy's story very well. This one is about his neighbour Professor Billeus Newtonsteineus who lives five caves next to the Cruddies. People call him uncle Bill (mostly behind his back).. that was supposed to be his real name but during his fresher term at college he was so impressed by his Animaliologistics professor that he renamed himself according to the binomial nomenclature. Here is a page from the internal assesment exam of his student Teddious cavemanious (..and rumors are that he used to be Caveman Teddy about an year and a half ago) ..and by the way, he is currently pursuing his PhD in the field of equine-end-gastric-discharges.


~~~~~~~~~~~ Caveman Central University - Internal Assessment Exams ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instruction:
1.All questions are compulsory.
2.All questions carry 100 marks each.
3.There is only one question in this paper.
4.Time limit: till the examiner finishes his tea.
5.The examinee is supposed to bring his own ans…

And one day humans would have USB ports too !!!

This post is from a series of older articles. To read the main story, click here.

To follow A Philosopher's Diary click here

If that is a trick question... it is the worst i have seen

Holmes: Look here Watson, i just noticed this grand puzzle in an intellectually stimulating site i was surfing through.

Watson: And what's special about it ?


Holmes: You see, it is a trick question in here. The man is actually asking two questions here. 1. What is your IQ and 2.What number do you see ?

Watson: Well... so did you found out your IQ ?

Holmes: I don't know yet.. when i tried to answer the first question, i really can't find an answer because you already know my IQ is above 150 and yet they had no button which reads more than hundred. And when i clicked on the second one's answer it took me to a pretty indecent site.. by mistake i suppose.

Watson: Ohh.. by the way, if ever again you see someone who says he can find your IQ by using Ishihara charts for testing color-blindness, don't forget to tell me. I will personally and officially send their recommendation for the Nobel Prize in Medicine !

Cruddy got a new pet !!!

And thus they bought the iDog.. with one eye and no teeth. Features include a high sensitivity eardrum which can hear the sound of Mr. Muddy's newspaper falling in their lawn and can use it's special stealth mode to sneak into their house and pee over their new carpet whenever SveeTe wants.. Of course, now they have to buy him iSnacks from the Gobbs Departmental Store every day as he does not touches any other store's food.
This post was related to an earlier series.. click here to view the original post.

Attention seeking behaviour.. ehh ?

India is full of innovation.. well at least in stealing ideas. So the thing i am going to show u is just an example of what the advertising companies do everyday to grab attention of the viewers, be it the simple advertisement for a toothpaste to pressure cookers... S** sells, and everybody knows that. So, today morning i was moving towards the mess to have my breakfast as routinely as possible when this grabbed my attention...


Below the obvious ***  it reads.. "Now that i have got your attention, please read the following notice- There will be no extra diwali vacations for university going terms this year."
Well, i guess that's pretty mean of you to cut our vacations. But, who cares ? It's going to be preparatory leave anyways. 
p.s. Watson who was sitting besides me and have just read this, is nudging me to delete this as soon as possible or both of us might be rusticated for ...well ..some reason or the other.

Must be discussing security protocols i guess...

Dear friends, i understand that u people are already bored of shitty gossip blogs. Don't blame me for this one if it ruins ur day...


As far as the story goes, the people at the pandal (..that is a word for 'tent' in hindi) were supposedly there for an architectural convention. There were apparently a lot of big architects from all over the country inside, and dozens of students of course. And then, all of a sudden it collapsed like a pack of cards... BANG.. ..just like that.

I guess, it could have actually been an experiment on the security protocols of building tents. Who knows. Maybe the dean wanted to give a practical lecture over the hazards of unsafe buildings. I think i should call in Holmes soon to investigate again...

I hope my recipe is cookable !

I noticed this fascinating title on the front page of Women's Era today.. and i thought that it is my moral responsibility to show this to my dear readers.
No dear, i did not intend to show u the girl in the pic. She had pretty bad hair anyways, so i cropped her out. Look at the "40 cookable recipes" (As I am writing this the spell check is prompting me that there is actually no word like 'cookable' ..sorry microsoft ..err it just pointed out that there is no word like 'microsoft' either !!) I thought i would show it in my blog to prove that how well-read and philosophical man I am, and how every magazine editor is a fool. But you see, they do have a point. The recipes in 'other' magazines might not be as easily cookable as theirs are. Point taken. This is the way it's meant to be. People will keep doing things in a cliche manner just because they have been made to believe that this is the right thing to do. All their school lives they have bee…

Anger Manegement and all the crap about it...

We now continue the 'tail' of our beloved Caveman Cruddy two years after his marriage with Spacewoman SveeT. To read how it all started, click here...

I guess, you know Cruddy very well by now. He was a cute little man with a long beard and a short vocabulary. But, this much of cuteness was probably not enough for his wife SveeT  who took him to an Anger Management Workshop for a small brawl that happened like this..

CavemanCruddy: Aaaarghh !! The world is end today ! Cruddy's hunting knife ran away somewhere.

SpacewomanSveeT: You hell of a man. Your knife was dirty. I cleaned it with Dettol. It is now drying in the sun outside. Will you please mind keeping the cave hygeinic ? What do you think the kids are going to learn from it ??

Cruddy: That my good knife ! You hide it ? Next time, keep back it where at it right place is !

SveeT: And will you please mind telling me where is it's right place you bastard ? It was lying in a corner of the cave. I thought you had throw…

What a medical teacher takes years to learn...

PG resident: Ok boy, now you tell me " What is Wohlfart-Kugelberg-Welander syndrome ? "

Mack: Sir it is a very rare disorder characterized by ...xxxxx

PG resident: Excellent ! You will be a nice dctor one day..
********

Assistant Professor: Tell me the new advancements in the field of malaria diagnosis.

Mack: Uhh, sir it is diagnosed mainly by microscopic observation.

Assistant Professor: That's nice to hear, but you should actually keep your eyes open for the latest research also.
********

Professor: Tell me the importance of taking pulse and what can you diagnose from it ?

Mack: Sir pulse... pulse is the.. the feeling of heart beat in the extremities of..

Professor: It's high time that you start reading your textbooks son. You will never succeed till you make it a habit.
********

Dean: What do you understand by fever ?

Mack: Uhh, sir raised body temperature..

Dean: Even the cleaning staff outside my office can tell me that. Next time i want something that a real me…

When do you know your doctor is making a fool of you ?

This one happened during my surgery rotation. A major (read: PG resident, as ours is a military college) sent a patient for testing blood sugar after the OPD consultation. She came back with the report after half an hour…

Mrs.Fatlady: Doctor saab, here is the report. Please tell me if something is serious.

Maj.Clinicwala: Dont worry aunty, your report is all normal.

MrsFatlady: So?

Maj.Clinicwala: So, take the medicines i have written earlier and you will be fine.

MrsFatlady: I came from such a long distance and you say my report is fine ! You wasted my time and you knew nothing is wrong with me. You are a bad bad doctor.

Mack: Sir, just give her sugar pills.

MajClinicwala: You should be happy mam, you are all right.

MrsFatlady: But atleast give me something. I am standing for half an hour outside just to show this report. And you say i dont need medicine. I will never come to a free hospital again !

MajClinicwala: Just go away mam. You are wasting my time.

MrsFatlady: I will complaint to you…

Men from Mars, Women from Venus ! : How it all started ?

This is a long ‘tail’ from long time ago. There used to be no tailless species of mammals on earth then. Suddenly one day, a venusian spaceship zapped across the evening sky. It’s long colourful body shone in the usual weird way that UFOs are supposed to behave even though it was thousands of years ago. It grazed past a dino munching on the topmost branches of a palm tree, and almost hit it in the ear. The ship stopped midair (Thank God, pileups were not so common those days !) and a pilot waved out from the window and yelled at the dino for standing right in the middle of nowhere. Leaving behind the dino with a stupid look in the eyes, it passed on and landed on the top of a pine tree after three hours of thoughtful calculations (though it toppled over the ground almost immediately). A beautiful looking pilot stepped out of the ship with careful steps (so as not to mess up her make-up). She wandered around for some time, admiring the new environment around her, and noting things very…

Clinical History of a Facebook Addict….

This post is the one inspired from the thing we med students do most of the time in our hospital, that is taking the history of a patient.. :)
Patient Name: Coolguy287
Age: 24 yrs
Sex: Male
Residence: East street cyber cafe, Pune
Occupation: Student
Informant: His FB profile
Reliability: God knows


P/C (that means.. Presenting Complaints):
Acute attacks of logging into FB wherever and whenever possible X 6 months


HOPI (History of Presenting Illness):
My patient was apparently asymptomatic till 6 months back when he reported acute attacks of FB overuse which were insidious in onset and gradual in progression. They were characterized by episodes of long lasting chat sessions, which were generally relieved by the cafe owner requesting to shut down the shop. The episodes were of remitting and relapsing in nature, with intermediate lucid intervals in which he remembered to go home and have meals. He also gives history of certain associated symptoms, which are described in detail below.

The paroxysms of…

Why you shouldn't behave like sherlock holmes !

The MedCine-club in the college has come up again with a show of Sherlock Holmes this week. Why the hell they have this crazy name i don’t know. The Cine part of it rarely talks about the Med part. And i don’t even have enough money to hire Sherlock holmes to investigate. But let’s not waste time on this. The last time we saw Sherlock Holmes movie, me and Watson (Names changed to protect the identities of real people ..out of which Holmes is going to be myself) after our usual saturday night movie together (Yeah, ‘our usual’ as we have not yet started entertaining girls who keep stalking us.. ) decided to gather our leftover bucks for the month and give Dominos a friendly visit. It is a nice cosy place about the size of a small garage large enough to hold a single millitary truck. That’s not much i know.. well there are only 6 tables and not much of a scenic view. But it’s almost never crowded and has a nice romantic mood, with cool soothing music playing all over. If i had a girlfrie…

The worst blogs u read everyday... just because they exist

If you know me personally, u might have noticed that i m a nice, gentle, decent and polite guy. Well, i m not. All i m is a perpetually irritable man who just can’t stand anything that’s closely related to cute, sweet and nice. I prefer to say (and mind u listen) to things in the simplest ways possible. It’s not like i don’t appreciate beauty in words, it’s just that i have already had an overdose of it. So next time u see any blog post like these, please notify me to NOT read them….


Title – The Princess Of Hearts

“..hi i am a nice little intelligent girl, i would like to write a blog about something.. but it’s just that i have no idea about what to write. So, next time i have an idea u will read about it in my constant chatter on my facebook page. Till them have a nice time sweathearts “


Title – The World Revolves Around Me

“Hey ! it’s me, the irresistible guy for all my crazy fans. I am sure you guys spent the last weekend wondering about what did i do with that empty milk can my dog pi…

Independence Day Balancesheet

14 messages in my inbox saying Happy independence day using the same old forwarded lines = Profit for the phone companies ..and more messages for me to forward to the girls. The second years five doors down playing ‘vande mataram’ A.R. Rehmann’s remix, smoking as usual in front of the floor = ..i dont know, i just hope they haven’t started smoking ‘grass’ yet. People updating status messages on facebook frantically = Time to talk to old lost friends ! 130 paper flags, two packs of candies, a bunch of tricolour balloons laying in my bag.. to be given to the deaf and mute children tomorrow = I guess the children will be happy. National holiday tomorrow = ..arre matlab ek aur sunday waste ho jayega

So where is the answer ?

I am too bad a teacher. I expect people to 'understand' instead of 'knowing'. And when people still keep pushing me around to say my things more clearly, i have only on reply for them.. Falling in love with the subject is more important than knowing it inside out.

When u seek water,
in middle of the sea;
Expect no answers,
from the Zen master...

Rain..

Haiku is one of the most important form of traditional Japanese poetry. Haiku is, today, a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. In japanese, this convention is a must, but in english, which has variation in the length of syllables, this can sometimes be difficult. i m watching,rain out of the windowwith a book open

My first attempt at Haiku..

Haiku is a complexly simple form of japanese poetry.. It usually contains only 17 syllables..He watches,she walks awayit rains..it’s sort of short and simple. Tell me if u like it.Read more at.. http://www.hsa-haiku.org/frogpondhttp://tinywords.com

Rains and Kilroys..

“___ ki khaarish, aur pune ki baarish ka koi bharosa nai h” ..this was taught to me like a sacred gospel in my fachha term. I have been carrying an umbrella since then, even when it is not raining at all. And when it actually rains, i take he dumb thing out only to discover that another spoke has lost the battle which the poor thing keeps on having with the stuff in my bag. And i am left as usual to share someone else’s umbrella, or sit endlessly in the canteen waiting for the rain to stop. That’s actually a nice excuse to snack out with friends. Welcome to the world of Kilroys !The natural history of a kilroy is simple. Their annual breeding cycle is usually completed in rains. When at first they arrive for their interviews, it is the time for ‘small and isolated showers’ in the city. The parents are usually very happy about the pune weather at first. Later when they finally get a room in the hostel, it’s pouring like hell. Most of those who are sensible enough to read the joining in…

The small problem…

A very hectic day is coming to an end. The college was busy like hell today. A VIP was visiting, and we were supposed to display our sheep like qualities at their best. The class usually ends at 9:30, but we were supposed to sit inside the lecture hall till they made sure that the guest wont be able to see even a hint of our dirty selves. So we waited till he entered the auditorium, discussing small-pox.We were forced to see the picture of Edward Jenner for half an hour in the beginning of the lecture, which the teacher was asked to prolong by hook or by crook. The same old story about cow pox and the little boy was told again and again. It’s shocking to know that before Jenner, there existed a practice called ‘variolation’ in which the scraping from small pox lesions was applied on the skin of healthy people, quite a number of which later became resistant, though a few died too. Then came the smallpox eradication programme, which not only include vaccines, but even house arrest for p…

The years that passed by…

In a matter of weeks, or may i say days… It feels like a lot of time has passed by. I just returned to the college. Hoping to start my life at the same point where I left it locked in my room. Hoping that it would remain safe like in a bank locker. I think my keys got exchanged somewhere, for what i am going through has only a shadowy resemblance to the memories. The central cadets mess has opened. Much to everyone’s surprise i must add. The trial period has been pretty nice. The tea contained more tea than hot water for a few days. That was until the PMC used to take rounds of the mess. To say precisely  ‘offer valid till stock lasts’. I hope, before the fresher batch comes in we are able to resolve the issue of ‘whether we should keep the vegetable bowls inside the bade-wali-plate or outside it’.As usual the new batch has started trickling in, bringing with it a new anticipation and eventfulness in the college. The fresher season is like an annual festival in the college in which no…

For whom it matters..

People constantly keep reminding me that ‘we’ are a bunch of useless men who are good enough just for having our pictures clicked. For those who don’t know it already, ‘we’ refers to our small ‘bunch of useless people’ that we call Prayas Club in our college. And I have that nasty little habit of bugging the people around me about the work they can do similar to our club. Let it be. I just can’t help it. I almost bored my (former) girlfriend to death with this. Read more if you have little problem in becoming my next victim..
If you are a typical, young college going fellow who keeps grumbling about the things that are need to be done and how ‘nobody’ is doing ‘anything’… and if you haven’t closed this page already, than let me tell you the first thing i have to say. You ARE a useless piece of junk who is not good for anything yet. So stop babbling about how the whole world would be happy if you are the president of united nations. There is a one in a hundred billion chance that you …

No more apple pie for us….

I was i the middle of the dramatics finales… cut off from the outer world at the time… the exact moment at which the german bakery was being blasted into pieces. I wasn’t a regular at the place, in fact i visited it only once to ‘actually’ eat something. It was much more of a landmark than a food joint. It was this same tuesday that we approached them for a sponsorship proposal….. The nepali waiter was quite surprised with us “u can talk to the boss if u want, but i never saw him doing such a thing” …. he was sort of right. The boss didn’t even heard our deal…. that was kind of plain and simple, not as rude as giving us their card and saying “we will call u if we are interested” … which i generally assume to mean.. “i m too shy to say this, but i want you out of my property right now !”…The people all around pune have been resenting the loss since a few days. I hope they show the same for the lives lost in the blast. But, i guess we are too habitual to it that we barely notice it anym…