Friday, November 19, 2010

How to write good answers in your exams... Caveman style !

Dear bored guys readers.. you already know Cruddy's story very well. This one is about his neighbour Professor Billeus Newtonsteineus who lives five caves next to the Cruddies. People call him uncle Bill (mostly behind his back).. that was supposed to be his real name but during his fresher term at college he was so impressed by his Animaliologistics professor that he renamed himself according to the binomial nomenclature. Here is a page from the internal assesment exam of his student Teddious cavemanious (..and rumors are that he used to be Caveman Teddy about an year and a half ago) ..and by the way, he is currently pursuing his PhD in the field of equine-end-gastric-discharges.


~~~~~~~~~~~ Caveman Central University - Internal Assessment Exams ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instruction:
1.All questions are compulsory.
2.All questions carry 100 marks each.
3.There is only one question in this paper.
4.Time limit: till the examiner finishes his tea.
5.The examinee is supposed to bring his own answer sheets. The college is out of money repainting the graffiti you did on the walls.


Question 1: Write a long-essay on the mechanical, physiological and chemical properties of horse dung. Explain the proper method of collection and utilization of the same. Elaborate with well labeled diagrams wherever necessary.



Answer 1:
 Definition: Horse dung, which has been termed as equine-end-gastric-discharge in the year 1922 b.c. by Dr.Stally et.al. is a very precious mixture of compounds. It is obtained from the rear side of a horse of either gender, color, age or breed. Thus it is a generic character of the Horse family.

Properties:
1.Is blackish in appearance.
2.Is foul smelling.
3.Apparently black in colour, can be even blue, red or green depending on the eyesight of the observer.
4.The shade is usually dark black.
5.Is a semi solid mass.
6.The most common variety is the black one.

Method of collection:
It requires absolutely refined skill to collect horse dung. The collector must be equipped with at least 20 hours of dung-collection experience under a licensed dung-collector before he can do it alone. And then harry potter took out his invisibility cloak and set out in the castle to reach the grand staircase. The portraits on the walls were irritated by the light of his wand and started shouting. The dung collector should wear an apron covering the front of his body and a helmet and groin cover made of metal to avoid the random blows of the equine in the stable. When he suddenly saw professor snape appearing on the marauder's map. He quickly put off his wandlight and started running toward his room, but snape caught him midway and presented 3 different methods of dung collection in 1755 b.c, which are explained in detail below. And then he saw peter pettigrew on the map but he could not locate anyone in person so he dumped the horse dung in the collection pan and ran for his life avoiding snape. Thus, any of these methods can be effectively used to collect horse dung, but the one approved by the international union of pure and applied animaliologistics (IUPAA, estd 1824 b.c.) is the Aristotle's use-a-shovel method. It is shown in the diagram.



Utilization:
1.Used as manure in the corn-fields.
2.Play pranks on people by keeping it in front of their houses.
3.Who the hell cares about the rest.
4.If you still want more, please see the answer number 23 on the page 15 of Plato's Concise Exam Notes. I think i forgot it in my bag outside.











So guys, this might be my last post of this season as my own exams are coming up and as you might have guessed, i too am aiming for A+ this time..

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

If that is a trick question... it is the worst i have seen

Holmes: Look here Watson, i just noticed this grand puzzle in an intellectually stimulating site i was surfing through.

Watson: And what's special about it ?


Holmes: You see, it is a trick question in here. The man is actually asking two questions here. 1. What is your IQ and 2.What number do you see ?

Watson: Well... so did you found out your IQ ?

Holmes: I don't know yet.. when i tried to answer the first question, i really can't find an answer because you already know my IQ is above 150 and yet they had no button which reads more than hundred. And when i clicked on the second one's answer it took me to a pretty indecent site.. by mistake i suppose.

Watson: Ohh.. by the way, if ever again you see someone who says he can find your IQ by using Ishihara charts for testing color-blindness, don't forget to tell me. I will personally and officially send their recommendation for the Nobel Prize in Medicine !

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Cruddy got a new pet !!!

And thus they bought the iDog.. with one eye and no teeth. Features include a high sensitivity eardrum which can hear the sound of Mr. Muddy's newspaper falling in their lawn and can use it's special stealth mode to sneak into their house and pee over their new carpet whenever SveeTe wants.. Of course, now they have to buy him iSnacks from the Gobbs Departmental Store every day as he does not touches any other store's food.

This post was related to an earlier series.. click here to view the original post.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Attention seeking behaviour.. ehh ?

India is full of innovation.. well at least in stealing ideas. So the thing i am going to show u is just an example of what the advertising companies do everyday to grab attention of the viewers, be it the simple advertisement for a toothpaste to pressure cookers... S** sells, and everybody knows that. So, today morning i was moving towards the mess to have my breakfast as routinely as possible when this grabbed my attention...



Below the obvious ***  it reads.. "Now that i have got your attention, please read the following notice- There will be no extra diwali vacations for university going terms this year."

Well, i guess that's pretty mean of you to cut our vacations. But, who cares ? It's going to be preparatory leave anyways. 

p.s. Watson who was sitting besides me and have just read this, is nudging me to delete this as soon as possible or both of us might be rusticated for ...well ..some reason or the other.

Must be discussing security protocols i guess...

Dear friends, i understand that u people are already bored of shitty gossip blogs. Don't blame me for this one if it ruins ur day...


As far as the story goes, the people at the pandal (..that is a word for 'tent' in hindi) were supposedly there for an architectural convention. There were apparently a lot of big architects from all over the country inside, and dozens of students of course. And then, all of a sudden it collapsed like a pack of cards... BANG.. ..just like that.

I guess, it could have actually been an experiment on the security protocols of building tents. Who knows. Maybe the dean wanted to give a practical lecture over the hazards of unsafe buildings. I think i should call in Holmes soon to investigate again...

Friday, October 8, 2010

I hope my recipe is cookable !

I noticed this fascinating title on the front page of Women's Era today.. and i thought that it is my moral responsibility to show this to my dear readers.
No dear, i did not intend to show u the girl in the pic. She had pretty bad hair anyways, so i cropped her out. Look at the "40 cookable recipes" (As I am writing this the spell check is prompting me that there is actually no word like 'cookable' ..sorry microsoft ..err it just pointed out that there is no word like 'microsoft' either !!) I thought i would show it in my blog to prove that how well-read and philosophical man I am, and how every magazine editor is a fool. But you see, they do have a point. The recipes in 'other' magazines might not be as easily cookable as theirs are. Point taken. This is the way it's meant to be. People will keep doing things in a cliche manner just because they have been made to believe that this is the right thing to do. All their school lives they have been pushed and patted by their teachers to write 'poems' (Yes , i hate the word 'poem', that's why i write it with such emphasis. It makes me feel like a stupid child) and they keep on writing stupid literature the rest of their lives because nobody ever encouraged them to do something new.. well ..say, composing 'readable poems' ! (I hope u r really pissed at me now. It really made my day. I feel happy for hours after pissing off people..)

p.s. Dear Watson i wasn't really reading Women's Era ..it was just lying on a table and i clicked this pic. I Swear !!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Anger Manegement and all the crap about it...

We now continue the 'tail' of our beloved Caveman Cruddy two years after his marriage with Spacewoman SveeT. To read how it all started, click here...

I guess, you know Cruddy very well by now. He was a cute little man with a long beard and a short vocabulary. But, this much of cuteness was probably not enough for his wife SveeT  who took him to an Anger Management Workshop for a small brawl that happened like this..

CavemanCruddy: Aaaarghh !! The world is end today ! Cruddy's hunting knife ran away somewhere.

SpacewomanSveeT: You hell of a man. Your knife was dirty. I cleaned it with Dettol. It is now drying in the sun outside. Will you please mind keeping the cave hygeinic ? What do you think the kids are going to learn from it ??

Cruddy: That my good knife ! You hide it ? Next time, keep back it where at it right place is !

SveeT: And will you please mind telling me where is it's right place you bastard ? It was lying in a corner of the cave. I thought you had thrown it away, but then your favourite dirty underwear was lying right beneath it, so i came to know that you had not thrown it anyways.

Cruddy: That is right place. That is personal corner. Never touch corner again. Cruddy get confused when his stuff you hide away.

SveeT: How dare you give order me aound in such rude language ?? I think it's time for some counselling. I would have sent you to a shrink, but tommorow a hotshot speaker is visiting from saturn. And you ARE going to attend his anger management speech.. UNDERSTOOD ?

Cruddy: Uhh..umm..

SveeT: Good ! I take that as a yes..


So our hero appears next day at the seminar hall in his best suit. Yeah right, the one which he wore to work everyday. The hall was already full of the right kind of crowd, yeah you know local starlets and politicians, all eagerly waiting to pounce upon the opportunity to prove how intell-actual they happen to be. And then...

(spotlight turns on.. a man in a dark suit comes running from the back to the podium on the stage, doing some weird sort of saturn dance as far as we know ...the crowd goes mad with applause)



Mr.Saintson: Hellooooo my dear brothers and their sisters !

(huge applause from the public)

Mr.Saintson: Today when I look upon humanity, I see people burning in the fires of hell. I know people i know, your life has become a burden on you. You need help. Everybody needs help. And that is why I am here for. I am the person you are going to remember as your sole friend for the rest of your lives..

(another round of applause)

Mr.Saintson: And just for the benefit of needy souls like you (which includes in my opinion almost everyone) ..a super life changing formula ..the discovery of the century ..the megaselling hotshot product which has changed the lives of millions ..I present to you THE FORGET-STRESS-QUICK-AND-EASY-MEGA-SUPER-BOOK !!!

(the crowd goes wild with excitement)

Mr.Saintson: It is a life rennovating idea which has been under research from our soon-to-be-nobel-prize winner scientists for almost 10 years. And the success story does not ends here ! We are soon going to announce a High Definition (HD) version of it too !!

Caveman Buddy: Yay Cruddy bro. U see that ? They are going to write that book in HD !! Can anyone beat that quality ?

Caveman Cruddy: Errr...

Mr.Saintson: ..and the people who buy our super-combo-pack will get a pack of my life-changing-space-tech-get-slim-chocolate free !!!

(a fat lady in the front row faints)

Mr.Saintson: And now i will show you a LIVE, here-in-your-face demonstration of my ANCIENT and TIME TESTED BRAND NEW FOMULA right now !! YES you heard it ! I will teach some of my tricks to you here and now ! And not only this... the people present here will get a special discount for my next show also !!!

(crowd starts jumping up and down like chick-peas in a frying pan)

Mr.Saintson: So, for my first live demonstration I am going to pick up one of you as a volunteer... (pager rings) ..ahh, here is a messeage from the adorable madame spacewoman SveeT who says her evil husband must be hiding right in the crowd somewhere. ..(pager rings again) ...and she also says ..ummm he must be sitting behind a leggy blonde somewhere, because that's where she usually finds him whenever he gets lost in the jogger park.

....err you mister, yes yes it's you ! You are the well known mister Cruddy, right ?

Cruddy: F*** ! That woman kill me someday. It so embarrasing. I hate everyone !

Saintson: Now see. Our info had been right after all. You do need a bit of anger management right now mister Cruddy. Take a deep breath and count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6..

Cruddy: You Sainty ! You no even know straight counting. You go school again I say !

Saintson: Well well, I must say it is these kind of negative views about life that is the reason for your unhappiness Mr. Cruddy. You need to learn about positive thinking.... And for this ladies and gentlemen our company will soon be launching a new package..

Cruddy: Errrr.. positive what ??

Mr.Saintson: Positive thinking ! You must be glad to know.... that..

Cruddy: Hussshhh.. After Caveman Muddy got HIV positive, Cruddy no touch nothing positive. You a dangerous man. Cruddy says time to go now..

Mr.Saintson: You see Mr. Cruddy. You have insulted me so much already. But did I even get a little angry at you ? NO, ladies and gentlemen NO !! And I remind you again.. you can now order our products even from the phone. Just Dial..

Cruddy: Be dangered Brother and Sister. This man a big liar it is. Cruddy waste no more money. Go home allbody. This is just a fool man !


Mr.Saintson: What the HELL ! I spend all my day running around, dressed like an idiot ... FOR THIS ?? I dont even get to eat my food on time. I am so busy copying old writer's ideas that I have not met my family for an year. Sometimes i sleep in the passenger seat of my limo, trying to make a living. Putting up a fuckin show everyday, whether it is day or night. I have sold out all my peace, my life, my family for this day ? For fools like you Bloody Cruddy ! Just get the hell out of here before i kill either you or myself !!!

Cruddy jolts around with a look of panic in his eyes. He walked upto the stairs, but then comes to a halt and turns..

Cruddy: Take a deep breath ! Count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7....

Monday, September 20, 2010

What a medical teacher takes years to learn...

PG resident: Ok boy, now you tell me " What is Wohlfart-Kugelberg-Welander syndrome ? "

Mack: Sir it is a very rare disorder characterized by ...xxxxx

PG resident: Excellent ! You will be a nice dctor one day..
********

Assistant Professor: Tell me the new advancements in the field of malaria diagnosis.

Mack: Uhh, sir it is diagnosed mainly by microscopic observation.

Assistant Professor: That's nice to hear, but you should actually keep your eyes open for the latest research also.
********

Professor: Tell me the importance of taking pulse and what can you diagnose from it ?

Mack: Sir pulse... pulse is the.. the feeling of heart beat in the extremities of..

Professor: It's high time that you start reading your textbooks son. You will never succeed till you make it a habit.
********

Dean: What do you understand by fever ?

Mack: Uhh, sir raised body temperature..

Dean: Even the cleaning staff outside my office can tell me that. Next time i want something that a real medical student should know.
********

Commandant: Aaj tak injection diya h kabhi ? (have you ever given an injection before?)

Mack:........err, well. .. .sir..

Commandant: Not your fault dear. I will ask your professor to arrange one practical lecture on giving injections soon..
********

p.s.  this post was inspired by our great commandant who was stalking everyone outside the clinics today, asking "aaj tak kabhi injection diya h tumne ?"

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

When do you know your doctor is making a fool of you ?

This one happened during my surgery rotation. A major (read: PG resident, as ours is a military college) sent a patient for testing blood sugar after the OPD consultation. She came back with the report after half an hour…

Mrs.Fatlady: Doctor saab, here is the report. Please tell me if something is serious.

Maj.Clinicwala: Dont worry aunty, your report is all normal.

MrsFatlady: So?

Maj.Clinicwala: So, take the medicines i have written earlier and you will be fine.

MrsFatlady: I came from such a long distance and you say my report is fine ! You wasted my time and you knew nothing is wrong with me. You are a bad bad doctor.

Mack: Sir, just give her sugar pills.

MajClinicwala: You should be happy mam, you are all right.

MrsFatlady: But atleast give me something. I am standing for half an hour outside just to show this report. And you say i dont need medicine. I will never come to a free hospital again !

MajClinicwala: Just go away mam. You are wasting my time.

MrsFatlady: I will complaint to your professor ! You dont know anything about treatment. YOU ARE JUST A QUACK.

(and she sped down the corridor, screaming at the top of her lungs…)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Men from Mars, Women from Venus ! : How it all started ?

CruddyTailThis is a long ‘tail’ from long time ago. There used to be no tailless species of mammals on earth then. Suddenly one day, a venusian spaceship zapped across the evening sky. It’s long colourful body shone in the usual weird way that UFOs are supposed to behave even though it was thousands of years ago. It grazed past a dino munching on the topmost branches of a palm tree, and almost hit it in the ear. The ship stopped midair (Thank God, pileups were not so common those days !) and a pilot waved out from the window and yelled at the dino for standing right in the middle of nowhere. Leaving behind the dino with a stupid look in the eyes, it passed on and landed on the top of a pine tree after three hours of thoughtful calculations (though it toppled over the ground almost immediately). A beautiful looking pilot stepped out of the ship with careful steps (so as not to mess up her make-up). She wandered around for some time, admiring the new environment around her, and noting things very rapidly in her notebook when she first saw this mud coloured creature behind a rock staring at her with wide eyes. She walked up to the creature and said…

Spacewoman SveeT : Hello there earthling ! It’s an adoringly remarkable planet of yours. I am SveeT, Pilot of ‘Sugar : The Cutest intergalactic space voyager’ , and the president of ‘Spacewomen Knitting Association’. May i know your fine name sir ?

Caveman Cruddy: I no earthly ! I Cruddy, I come Mars. What you want ? I no time.

Spacewoman SveeT:  That’s a rude reply mister. You seem to be doing nothing to me. You were just sitting there and staring from behind a rock.

Caveman Cruddy: That is work. I go in cave, when work. No disturb me when i in cave !

Spacewoman SveeT: A hundred apologies gentleman. But, please tell me how do you came here, all the way from Mars ? I have heard gossip that Mars is a home for intelligent species called ‘Men’ , but no on has been able to find supportive evidence for this yet..

Caveman Cruddy: I wenting to Mars Moon, but i GPS forgot. I am the great Cruddy. I ask no direction.  I land on earth. Very peaceful here I say. Fruit on the top of tree, water in the lake. Cruddy very happy here.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh, such a sweet little person you are mister ! You are so philosophical. I totally agree with your views on  the earth’s heavenly surroundings.

Caveman Cruddy: You say Cruddy sweet ? Cruddy so happy. Let we be friends !

Spacewoman SveeT: Wow, you are so friendly and nice. What are your hobbies mister Cruddy ? I write poems… you can read them on my Facebook page.

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy love poem !! ‘like’ ‘like’ ‘like’… Cruddy will read all your poem ! Can we go, eat dinner on tree top now ?

Spacewoman SveeT: Ewwww ! Dinner on tree top. That’s a gross place to eat mr. Cruddy. Can we be seated somewhere else where the service is a little better ?

Caveman Cruddy: Eww … Ewww.. Ewwww ??? Cruddy not understood Ewwwwwww !

Spacewoman SveeT: Haaaan !! …that means your species has not discovered the most advanced words yet. I dont think you will understand even ‘Hmmm’, ‘Huh’ and ‘Duhh’ ??

Caveman Cruddy: Your alien language. Cruddy not know. Worry not. Cruddy got iPhone. With lots of dictionary in it !

Spacewoman SveeT: Woah ! You live in a cave, but you have an iPhone ?

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy no live without phorn… Umm.. Cruddy mean ‘phone’.

Spacewoman SveeT: Your race appears to be much more technologically and spiritually advanced than us mister. You people live with iPhones in caves. I am so sooo impressed mister Cruddy. You are so handsome.

Caveman Cruddy: You too so nice, mm.. mma. maddam SveeT ! Your eye nice, your nose nice, your finger nice, your.. your umm.. your pimples nice.

Spacewoman SveeT: How dare you ! People are beheaded on our planet for pointing out pimples !! You are surely not much civilised Cruddy boy ! But, worry not... I will start making vital changes in your routine activities and behaviour once our race settles on this planet. You will be so thankful to us one day for this.

Caveman Cruddy: Ummmm… Cruddy sssays sorry ! Cruddy no fault. Cruddy love SveeT.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh you are so innocent dear Cruddy !

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy innocent ! SveeT marry Cruddy ?????

Spacewoman SveeT: I will have to take permission from our senior species advisor in this aspect Mr. Cruddy. Please submit your application on the reception of my spaceship. You will probably be notified soon.

Caveman Cruddy: Yay ! Cruddy so so happy today.

It is believed that Cruddy got married happily to SveeT after that and thus began the new Human race. Some conspiracy theorists also believe that Cruddy hacked into the spaceship’s transmission system and changed the rejection letter from the SveeT’s senior advisor friend. The theory hasn’t been proved yet as all of these scientists were found dead later on under mysterious circumstances. We will continue the story after the marriage of Cruddy and SveeT in the later chapters of this book. Till then, GoodBye !

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Clinical History of a Facebook Addict….

This post is the one inspired from the thing we med students do most of the time in our hospital, that is taking the history of a patient.. :)

Patient Name: Coolguy287
Age: 24 yrs
Sex: Male
Residence: East street cyber cafe, Pune
Occupation: Student
Informant: His FB profile
Reliability: God knows


P/C (that means.. Presenting Complaints):
Acute attacks of logging into FB wherever and whenever possible X 6 months


HOPI (History of Presenting Illness):
My patient was apparently asymptomatic till 6 months back when he reported acute attacks of FB overuse which were insidious in onset and gradual in progression. They were characterized by episodes of long lasting chat sessions, which were generally relieved by the cafe owner requesting to shut down the shop. The episodes were of remitting and relapsing in nature, with intermediate lucid intervals in which he remembered to go home and have meals. He also gives history of certain associated symptoms, which are described in detail below.

The paroxysms of FB use started gradually over a period of 2 weeks when he found out his ex’s profile and sent her a ‘friend request’. It is suspected that the transmission of infection took place over this period of contact. The prodromal symptoms of ex’s contact subsided soon, after she posted a video of her new host male over her profile. Their was a short latent subclinical period after the initial manifestations.

Later he presented with spells of fever, with typical symptoms of Farmville infection. The patient reportedly had sleep apnoea and woke up in the middle of the night to cut his strawberry harvest which he was anxious about. He also reports an episode of urinary incontinence when he found out that his idiot friend has gained more points in 3 less days than him. The condition was reportedly self-limiting and the bout of this fever subsided in about 4 months, after which the patient has had only one relapse when he apparently received a golden hen from his friend. (note: The hen has been recovered and quarantined for further laboratory investigations.)

H/o (History Of) answering absurd surveys to gain FB credit +ve

H/o posting his farmville photos on his profile, with the intentions of making friends jealous +ve

H/o changing the profile pic frequently and reported to be attempts to attract opposite sex +ve

H/o going on a ‘like’ spree in which he would ‘like’ each and every status update his friends posted, in hope of getting back some stupid comments on his own status updates +ve

H/o subscribing to a santa and banta jokes site to find out new and interesting status updates which would be liked by girls

No h/o sending stupid items to friends found

No h/o begging for free pigs and dogs on the farmville forums found


Diagnosis:
Chronic Facebookalgia with acute exacerbations due to heart trauma, and brainstem involvement

Differential Diagnoses:

1.Hyperexaggerated form of Acute Orkutian Syndrome

2.Embolization of fat cells into brain, which he has accumulated over the long period of time sitting in front of his web-browser.

Investigations Advised:

 1.Hb, TLC, DLC (as usual)

2. Further investigations not required as the patient already came with reports from private laboratories which include: ‘Know your future from the crazy microbiologist’ , ‘How useless is your time ?’ and ‘What is the name of your craziness’


P.S. We have called Dr. House’s team at Princeton Plainsboro twice. He says that he needs to run further tests on the patient. For further reference he has sent us the email address of Dr.Foreman, but he constantly refused to give away the Gtalk id of Dr.Cameroon. (Screw him ! Our team thinks we should call Dr.Meredith Grey from Seattle instead !)

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Why you shouldn't behave like sherlock holmes !


The MedCine-club in the college has come up again with a show of Sherlock Holmes this week. Why the hell they have this crazy name i don’t know. The Cine part of it rarely talks about the Med part. And i don’t even have enough money to hire Sherlock holmes to investigate. But let’s not waste time on this. The last time we saw Sherlock Holmes movie, me and Watson (Names changed to protect the identities of real people ..out of which Holmes is going to be myself) after our usual saturday night movie together (Yeah, ‘our usual’ as we have not yet started entertaining girls who keep stalking us.. ) decided to gather our leftover bucks for the month and give Dominos a friendly visit. It is a nice cosy place about the size of a small garage large enough to hold a single millitary truck. That’s not much i know.. well there are only 6 tables and not much of a scenic view. But it’s almost never crowded and has a nice romantic mood, with cool soothing music playing all over. If i had a girlfriend, it’s the first place i would take her to. So that day, when we walked in and settled down ourselves we saw this hot resident from the skin department sitting 2 tables away from us with this guy, going all chatty with him. That’s when i thought we should start practicing our own art of deduction…
conan

(I whispered to watson who was sitting right opposite to me..)

Holmes: Don’t turn over watson, there is that hot Dr.xxx from the dermat sitting two tables right behind you.

Watson: You fool, i saw her when i entered here.. that’s why i choose this seat so that she wont see me.

Holmes: Wow! she got a guy with her. Looks older than her, is wearing a red t-shirt and they are sitting at right angles to each other.

Watson: Everything goes well with me as long as she does not cuts my attendance in clinics. Now shut it up and pass me the ketchup.

(That’s one boring thing about Watson, that he is rarely interested in things that are not boring. So, i raised my voice a little)

Holmes: I don’t believe it you can be so pathetic at this thing… Wait, i cant see a ring on her finger. Looks like she is not engaged yet. But, she is sitting at right angle to the guy, that’s not what couples do in their initial meetings. It looks like the problem is more chronic.

Watson: For all this discussion, he could turn up to be her brother in the end.

Holmes: No, he cant be a brother, or even a long distance cousin for that instance. She is getting that large smile and a twinkle in her eyes… it just can’t be a brother.

Watson: Will you please stop staring at them. She might catch me tomorrow in the hospital, and then both of us will be dead for good.

Holmes: She is wearing slippers ! And no just any slippers, but the average small red completely cheap homely slippers !!

Watson: If you keep doing this, I am sure one of them is coming for your face.

(Maybe that’s what he was trying to avoid when he bent over his chair a little more, with the pizza a few inches from his face.)

Holmes: Now look, she never wears such a cheap thing even at the clinic. Haven’t you noticed ?

Watson: So ?

Holmes: So by this we can make out that she is very comfortable with the guy and past the point of early phase of flirting.

(It could have been a little more accurate had my concentration not been broken by the children of the sardarji family sitting right next to our table)

Watson: That’s dumb. She is just having a pizza with a guy in a small outlet of Dominos.

Holmes: So you are indicating that she might be trying to avoid the family’s attention by not dressing up too much.

Watson: I am not saying anything. And be careful with the Coke, you are going to spill it over.

Holmes: Now i can rest the case finally. She is seeing this guy for some time now, without telling the family. And they are on a date tonight.

Watson: Why would anyone take a girl to Dominos for a date ?

(We were almost shouting in whispers at this point of time..)

Holmes: And why would you say that ?

Watson: No, like really this is not a good place for a date !

Holmes: That’s crap ! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING !!

Watson: I am telling you, THIS IS NOT A GOOD PLACE FOR A DATE !!

I don't know what the hell happened after that. The whole place fell silent for a moment. The resident bent over to have a better look at us. The sardarji’s family sitting next to our table was the least affected, only the mother looked at us (with wide eyes ?) and then resumed to settle the rattle her children were making. And i think the girl at the counter dropped a menu or something from her hand.

Watson: Did i just say it loud "this is not a good place for a date" ?? This is all because of you. And from today onwards you will never wear that shirt with the pink stripes on it !!

Holmes: Why ?

Watson: I can never explain it to you ! And remember, after we are finished here, you are not supposed to keep your hand on my shoulder in the streets. People might be using their own art of deduction on us !!

All i know is that Watson finished his pizza at a hurried speed after this conversation, gulped his coke and then never went to Dominos again.. he prefers the home delivery now. If anyone understood why, please tell me right now as my deductive powers have almost failed me here...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The worst blogs u read everyday... just because they exist

If you know me personally, u might have noticed that i m a nice, gentle, decent and polite guy. Well, i m not. All i m is a perpetually irritable man who just can’t stand anything that’s closely related to cute, sweet and nice. I prefer to say (and mind u listen) to things in the simplest ways possible. It’s not like i don’t appreciate beauty in words, it’s just that i have already had an overdose of it. So next time u see any blog post like these, please notify me to NOT read them….


Title – The Princess Of Hearts

“..hi i am a nice little intelligent girl, i would like to write a blog about something.. but it’s just that i have no idea about what to write. So, next time i have an idea u will read about it in my constant chatter on my facebook page. Till them have a nice time sweathearts “


Title – The World Revolves Around Me

“Hey ! it’s me, the irresistible guy for all my crazy fans. I am sure you guys spent the last weekend wondering about what did i do with that empty milk can my dog picked up from the street. I was almost dying to tell u, because it was such a funny incident..”


Title – The Undeterminable Malefucian Monk

“Ya ya, u know i keep thinking a lot these days. It’s not like i have something better to do, i just thought what a wonderful place this world would be if everyone starts listening to my ideas, which are as usual philosophical and useful you know. So, if u haven’t started following me yet, the follow button is right at the top. And yes, today i m going to talk as usual about the fakie ppl who pretend to be as cool and funky as a real philosopher like i am..”


Title – My Photos.. yipppeeee

“..hi there, this is the dog that followed me home today. So i thought i would take a picture from my 0.01 MP camera and show to the whole world how cute it is. P.S. when i was taking the picture, it jumped at my camera, so all you will be able to see is it’s open mouth and the insides of it. Ain’t that greeat, it is the result of all my hardwork with the camera. Uncle says that if i keep clicking like this, i would become a hotshot wildlife photographer one day.”


Title – I am the Happy Mother

“..u know, i am such a busy woman i get only thrice a day to update u on my latest blog. It’s so cute, i can’t stop talking about it in my ‘happy nappy club’ . U gotta see the new pictures of dear cuddly. She is so sweet, she is just eight months old and whenever i give her custard she makes a ‘yum’ ‘yum’ sound on seeing the bowel ..oh my god i already have tear in my eyes. P.S.recipe attached in my previous post …just buy a ‘quick and easy custard’, boil in water and voila u are done. So easy !!!


Title – What the fuckity fuck fuck..

“My bitchiness is touching new boundaries day by day. By this post i want to draw the attention of all the people who eat strawberries in public. What the fuck bitch, dont you know i am allergic to strawberries ? What the hell do they think they are doing when they do it. I tell you, these people have no sense of fashion at all. And because i am the supreme authority in bitching about everything, i feel the compulsion to make everyone else look like an ugly dork..”



And as far as the disclaimer goes .. “All the names and excerpts on this post have been modified versions of real people’s blogs. So if you have been annoying innocent bystanders like me by your supposedly interesting stories, u r entirely wrong. We, the readers would like you to shut up, but we can’t unfollow you as we feel an obligation to follow you as all this time u have also been following my own ‘philosophical’ blog, which you found in “follow my blog and get followed within the nexxt microsecond’ forum on facebook.
No offence meant to anyone, who thinks he has been writing stupid stories comparable to the above examples. (..maybe, the resemblance is just a coincidence)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Independence Day Balancesheet

indepen
14 messages in my inbox saying Happy independence day using the same old forwarded lines = Profit for the phone companies ..and more messages for me to forward to the girls.
The second years five doors down playing ‘vande mataram’ A.R. Rehmann’s remix, smoking as usual in front of the floor = ..i dont know, i just hope they haven’t started smoking ‘grass’ yet.
People updating status messages on facebook frantically = Time to talk to old lost friends !
130 paper flags, two packs of candies, a bunch of tricolour balloons laying in my bag.. to be given to the deaf and mute children tomorrow = I guess the children will be happy.
National holiday tomorrow = ..arre matlab ek aur sunday waste ho jayega  Winking smile 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

So where is the answer ?

I am too bad a teacher. I expect people to 'understand' instead of 'knowing'. And when people still keep pushing me around to say my things more clearly, i have only on reply for them.. Falling in love with the subject is more important than knowing it inside out.

When u seek water,
in middle of the sea;
Expect no answers,
from the Zen master...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Rain..

Haiku is one of the most important form of traditional Japanese poetry. Haiku is, today, a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. In japanese, this convention is a must, but in english, which has variation in the length of syllables, this can sometimes be difficult.

i m watching,

rain out of the window

with a book open

Sunday, July 25, 2010

My first attempt at Haiku..

Haiku is a complexly simple form of japanese poetry.. It usually contains only 17 syllables..

He watches,

she walks away

it rains

rain

..it’s sort of short and simple. Tell me if u like it.

Read more at.. http://www.hsa-haiku.org/frogpond

                     http://tinywords.com

Rains and Kilroys..

“___ ki khaarish, aur pune ki baarish ka koi bharosa nai h” ..this was taught to me like a sacred gospel in my fachha term. I have been carrying an umbrella since then, even when it is not raining at all. And when it actually rains, i take he dumb thing out only to discover that another spoke has lost the battle which the poor thing keeps on having with the stuff in my bag. And i am left as usual to share someone else’s umbrella, or sit endlessly in the canteen waiting for the rain to stop. That’s actually a nice excuse to snack out with friends. Welcome to the world of Kilroys !kilroy

The natural history of a kilroy is simple. Their annual breeding cycle is usually completed in rains. When at first they arrive for their interviews, it is the time for ‘small and isolated showers’ in the city. The parents are usually very happy about the pune weather at first. Later when they finally get a room in the hostel, it’s pouring like hell. Most of those who are sensible enough to read the joining instructions, usually buy a raincoat. Well, the people like me bring over my mom’s old umbrella. Others borrow it usually. And finally some prefer to stay indoors. (even though it’s not raining… well, what can i say more ? u already know d suthri people !!)

I remember, it was the time when Tojo was learning hindi from his ‘learn hindi fast and easy’ manual. He marched into my room and said “hey, Maayank Jane, Maayank Jane … apna sutri mere ko de dijiye.” I was trying to look for appropriate words to ask him the meaning of this, when he spoke again , “mere ko, bahar jane k liye h” ..ohh, “U want the chatri ?” Great, that was both fast and easy. 

From being a pleasant escape from the north indian summers in the beginning, it becomes a real pain in the ass around Vth term. The water in the hostel usually runs out only when it’s raining all day long. I never understood the logic behind it. Maybe all the water in our coolers is the one which evaporates to bring on the rain clouds. If it is so, i think i would stand in the rain next time with my mouth open… 

Friday, July 16, 2010

The small problem…

A very hectic day is coming to an end. The college was busy like hell today. A VIP was visiting, and we were supposed to display our sheep like qualities at their best. The class usually ends at 9:30, but we were supposed to sit inside the lecture hall till they made sure that the guest wont be able to see even a hint of our dirty selves. So we waited till he entered the auditorium, discussing small-pox.

We were forced to see the picture of Edward Jenner for half an hour in the beginning of the lecture, which the teacher was asked to prolong by hook or by crook. The same old story about cow pox and the little boy was told again and again. It’s shocking to know that before Jenner, there existed a practice called ‘variolation’ in which the scraping from small pox lesions was applied on the skin of healthy people, quite a number of which later became resistant, though a few died too. Then came the smallpox eradication programme, which not only include vaccines, but even house arrest for people who were infected so that they die peacefully within their home instead of infecting the others. And now, when the world boasts that we are completely finished killing the devil, I am left scared like hell in here.

Remember Godsmack’s song ‘I stand alone’ ? “..you resurrrrrecteed …riight before tha final faaalingg….” I hope these men are not blind enough to ignore this. WHO still has the vaccines stored in millions in it’s closet, but the real viral samples have been destroyed in all except two laboratories. I say why ? Why the hell do they think they are so secure when the whole world is sitting on the edge of a war. Storing the vaccine is not a real solution. It is going to perish one day. Ever heard about biological war. I am quite sure, it is not a nuclear war that will end the humanity. No one wants to take the blame for such an infamous act. A superbug is more likely. It is lighter on the conscience you see. After all “it’s the bug who killed those men, not me …I am just a medium sent by God”.

It has been a recent trend in the history to ‘incapacitate’ the enemy instead of killing him. It actually brings less infamy and works better in keeping the enemy busy in transport and treatment of it’s men. The manpower which could have been used to fight is now employed in saving their fellow soldiers. Try this out on a country. Leave a deadly virus among them. It spreads like hell, even if it is not intended to. Quite a big chunk of our resources are already spent on healthcare. It would be a complete nightmare as such. The economies will be destroyed. Even the allies will be afraid to send their troops to a place where they are inn danger of infection. And money just wont help, research has a peculiar habit of being time consuming. It is just a matter of time before the fundamentalists succeed in creating a bug that would be resistant to the WHO vaccines. Till then, the scientific community should be working head to heel in creating newer modes of treatment to fight the old devil…

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The years that passed by…

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In a matter of weeks, or may i say days… It feels like a lot of time has passed by. I just returned to the college. Hoping to start my life at the same point where I left it locked in my room. Hoping that it would remain safe like in a bank locker. I think my keys got exchanged somewhere, for what i am going through has only a shadowy resemblance to the memories. The central cadets mess has opened. Much to everyone’s surprise i must add. The trial period has been pretty nice. The tea contained more tea than hot water for a few days. That was until the PMC used to take rounds of the mess. To say precisely  ‘offer valid till stock lasts’. I hope, before the fresher batch comes in we are able to resolve the issue of ‘whether we should keep the vegetable bowls inside the bade-wali-plate or outside it’.

                    

As usual the new batch has started trickling in, bringing with it a new anticipation and eventfulness in the college. The fresher season is like an annual festival in the college in which not only the students but even the cycle-repair-wala too takes part with full enthusiasm. The warden’s office staff wakes up from it’s perennial slumber and camouflages itself as a busy machinery as if it has got all the burden of running the country. The common chaprasi who would not even budge from his chair normally ..not even after a hell lot of shouting, starts to patrol the corridors with such eagerness as is shown by the troops on the borders of countries having  a war. The cashier in the main office suddenly starts wearing ironed shirts. The flowerpots are removed from the frontyards of the old mess and laid down on the main road leading to the hostels. And if you really press me for more …the hostel notice board is decorated with beautiful notices of “zero tolerance policy” and “Dean’s anti ragging order”.

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The happiness of becoming the ‘baap’ batch is seen intermittently on the faces of 5th term students. The burden of sinking in the 4th term more evident. And as usual the hum of “good morning sir… good day sir !!” will be audible soon. The two parts, often woven into a single sentence as you are supposed to wish the seniors both while meeting and departing from them. The 3rd term people are going to be revengeful as usual. Most of them will break all the resolutions of not ragging the juniors which people usually make in their own fresher terms.

And finally surgery posting is here again. Our unit has been lucky indeed to start our new term with surgery everytime. I guess this year too, the new clinical batch will come in the operation theatre on the first day and stand glued to the wall for a week, afraid to touch even a single thing. Dissection used to be easier i remember. There were no aseptic precautions over a dead body. But that was years ago. I hope the years would keep passing by as usual… or maybe a little more slowly if they take my advice.

Monday, June 7, 2010

For whom it matters..

People constantly keep reminding me that ‘we’ are a bunch of useless men who are good enough just for having our pictures clicked. For those who don’t know it already, ‘we’ refers to our small ‘bunch of useless people’ that we call Prayas Club in our college. And I have that nasty little habit of bugging the people around me about the work they can do similar to our club. Let it be. I just can’t help it. I almost bored my (former) girlfriend to death with this. Read more if you have little problem in becoming my next victim..
If you are a typical, young college going fellow who keeps grumbling about the things that are need to be done and how ‘nobody’ is doing ‘anything’… and if you haven’t closed this page already, than let me tell you the first thing i have to say. You ARE a useless piece of junk who is not good for anything yet. So stop babbling about how the whole world would be happy if you are the president of united nations. There is a one in a hundred billion chance that you will be one. But there is a one hundred percent chance that you will be what you ARE. So stop complaining and do what you always say ‘needs to be done’…  and within the limits of what you can actually do. Look around. There will always be some people around you who are doing something good for the community. Some will be religious , some will be retired old men, and there will be the old ‘ladies clubs’ consisting of fat aunties, and ofcourse there will be political people too..  It really doesn’t matter who you are working with, till you do something that doesn’t suits your conscience or is actually , really , absolutely a waste of time (..maybe that’s why i prefer not to attend the bhajan programmes of sai seva samiti even for 2 hours, but i did go to the 6 hour long medical camps they run. ) It can be better than this if you are working with people of your own age and similar interests, like your college friends. AFMC’s Prayas club was almost single-handedly created by a student about 12 years ago. Now it is a formally recognized part of our college with the PSM department backing it. It has almost 30 active members at any time, with even the faculty and the Dean coming to our help occasionally. Hope you got my point.. There will always be people willing to work, just like you are. They only need a pioneer… maybe it is you. Or even if you don’t and have no interest in al the business ….at least the man who you know would really like to be one …don’t call him a ‘useless man’ ……
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For more infromation about Prayas.. please visit For whom it matters

Thursday, February 18, 2010

No more apple pie for us….

I was i the middle of the dramatics finales… cut off from the outer world at the time… the exact moment at which the german bakery was being blasted into pieces. I wasn’t a regular at the place, in fact i visited it only once to ‘actually’ eat something. It was much more of a landmark than a food joint. It was this same tuesday that we approached them for a sponsorship proposal….. The nepali waiter was quite surprised with us “u can talk to the boss if u want, but i never saw him doing such a thing” …. he was sort of right. The boss didn’t even heard our deal…. that was kind of plain and simple, not as rude as giving us their card and saying “we will call u if we are interested” … which i generally assume to mean.. “i m too shy to say this, but i want you out of my property right now !”…

The people all around pune have been resenting the loss since a few days. I hope they show the same for the lives lost in the blast. But, i guess we are too habitual to it that we barely notice it anymore. I cant say, it might have been strength and solidarity on our part to not grieve for the human loss. But i can understand that the bakery itself was a part of our lives , much more than we thought it was.

We were leaving when devyani felt this need to sit on the benches… quite right , i think it was anyways better than sitting at the bus stop and waiting for the next appointment with another sponsor. I bought an apple pie for us, partly bcoz i never tasted it before and partly bcoz i wanted to avoid sitting like a fool without an occupation. The place was crowded with foreigners , mainly clad in red robes. An old couple passed us by several times during the up and down tours of KP we did. I hope they were not at ground zero during the blast. A man was sitting next to our table with his bag secure between his legs. I saw my own mistake and hung my laptop again from my shoulder. It was time to leave, never to see german bakery again… too bad i think, i would have given a treat to the freshers there next time. The quality of food they served and the clients they had was quite admirable, and we are sure they will rebuild it soon. But till then no more apple pies for us…